Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
