is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
