I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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