How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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