Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
We smell like vodka and hangover
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