took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
