Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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