I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
