i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Randomize
