she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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