just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
