I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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