The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
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