I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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