I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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