Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
