I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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