I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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