I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
