I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
