textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
