after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
