The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
