Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
