I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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