Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Randomize
