I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize