I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
