Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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