remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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