i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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