If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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