I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
