I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
