I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize