I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
