i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize