Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
