Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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