just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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