Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
