I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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