remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
