haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
