i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
