You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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