at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize