its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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