I wish my penis had an off switch
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
