chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize