I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
