apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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