U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
