his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
