I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
