Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
