Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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